.i don’t write anymore.
This pregnancy has been interesting so far. The engagement has obviously been placed on the back burner but nothing has changed between Nathan and I. If anything we’ve grown closer. However, the changes I find, are within myself. I’m less patient, weaker physically, I cry and I am constantly sick. I know these are the side notes of pregnancy but it makes me fearful that I won’t have the will to go back to my former self.
I have been struggling the most with self image, as in, the image I have of myself is absurd. There’s been a lot of issues with just how I feel i generally fit into my own skin. I feel as though I’m too large for my own body and I’m only two months into this. I know everyone is self conscious but I can barely look another human being in the eyes without feeling as if some kind of inner monster is showing it’s rotten teeth. I spent the 4th of July holiday in Washington DC with Nathan’s family and on the way to the airport to come back to Florida I started becoming so ill we had to pull over. So, here I am, in the middle of downtown DC, standing in front of a BMW dealership on a busy street heaving every single little item my weak stomach managed to put down. I threw up so much and so hard that my face obviously turned red, but it did not go away as expected. It turns out I busted an incredible amount of blood vessels and capillaries in my cheeks. It looks like purple and red acne scars cover my cheeks and my eyelids and parts of my forehead. I didn’t notice it until I was washing my hands in the airport bathroom and looked up to adjust my glasses. I didn’t even recognize the face staring back at me. I pulled off my glasses and realized that something was wrong and I could feel myself contradicting every belief I had formerly had against being superficial. It’s easier when you don’t look like a monster. I walked out of the bathroom and Nathan could see I was awkward and upset and I confessed to him the horror I felt when I looked at myself and of course, he said I was acting silly and that it would go away and he told me that I was beautiful. Then I cried. Because I’m pregnant and I like to randomly burst into tears occassionally.
I know I won’t stay like this forever. I know the first months are the hardest and the reason why I am feeling like this is because I am holding onto rational thoughts and reason by a weak thin thread. Outside of the sickness and the hormones, I find myself being ironically insightful. I don’t think I’ve ever been so aware of… anything. I have more passion and instead of constantly looking towards the wisdom of writers and philosophers, I’m looking towards my own. I realize I am young. What wisdom can I posses? But, it’s there inside of me, as if this little baby growing inside of me unlocked a secret place where all the answers lie. It’s the proof that ultimately this is all worth it. It’s proof that over the next seven months it won’t just be my son or daughter growing inside of me, I’ll be growing too.
