& Senseless Secrets

I’m getting another ultrasound today. It’s been months and for some reason I’m nervous as hell.

I wish I could do something to spite you.

It is all to ironic that I made that earlier post.

I’m doing some research for a baby shower. I don’t really know to much about anything apparently so if anyone has any legit advice I’d like to hear it. I know I want it to be coed and less like that typical tea and crumpets in a butterfly garden with ridiculous hats and stuff. That’s definitely not me…at all.

I’m at 16 weeks now. On the 18th I get to find out the sex of the baby, and although there are running bets on whether I am going to have a girl or a boy, I think there’s a little boy brewing in my belly. People usually just grab my belly, pause, and tell me it’s a girl. They must have some kind of super natural ability to determine the unknown and I must not have that ability. I guess we will see soon. It’s all been in good fun and either way I know I will be happy with a baby Margot or a baby Liam (which are obviously the chosen names.)

Other then my constant obsessing with googling everything about anything dealing with babies, I still feel annoyingly uneducated. I can’t seem to read enough or get enough advice. It’s been challenging. The most challenging thing I’m faced with now that the morning sickness has subsided is that constant fatigue. I’m having a hard time motivating myself to do anything. It almost feels like a depression, but I’m not sure how natural these feelings are. Some say it’s normal, others speculate that it’s a genuine depression of some sorts. Either way, I am striving to get over it. It’s hard to determine whether I am creating the negative environment I am in or if it was already negative and has consequently put me in this state. It’s a question I battle with constantly. I know pregnancy is often associated with irrational emotional behaviors but at this point in time I am really concentrating on the opposite. I feel I am successful most of the time which is leading me to believe in the already existing negativity. Again, who knows.

I do know that when I lay down at night there is an undeniable comfort in laying my hands on my lower stomach and feeling the warmth radiate through and through. It’s a sensation that I have never particularly noticed too much or have ever expected to be so comforting. I don’t really know who is in there, but I feel like they are trying to tell me. it’s surreal to think about. It’s definitely something I’ve always heard about and never understood until now.

In other news, we added a new puppy to the family. Her name is Leila like the Eric Clapton song. She is adorable and it’s very interesting watching her grow and learn and I think about it in comparison to a person. Every new thing she comes across is exciting and new and her world grows everyday. She is a dog. It’s impossible to remember being a child and touching everything and seeing things for the first time and experiencing the excitement tingle in you gut. I can’t wait to see THAT first hand. I am becoming more and more intrigued by the development of people and animals. It’s ironic though. I wanted to rescue Leila so bad. I looked at her and I could feel the neglect and abuse and the sickness and I understood why she was so hesitant towards people. I had to have her. Nathan did not feel the same and hesitantly agreed to let me have her. Now he claims that she is his dog. haha. The irony. Dobby and Leila play non-stop all day long. Sleep and play, sleep and play. It’s adorable even though when Dobby plays, he is quite menacing.

And here I am again, unmotivated to do anything so I am wasting time rambling. I suppose I need to get off of my growing ass and do something. Since Nathan has been asleep for the past 11 or 12 hours I’ve been alone with the dogs so maybe I’ll take advantage of that and start a project or clean. Maybe I can keep myself busy enough to quit missing the ghosts of my past.

15 weeks

15 weeks. that is all.

i feel… unhappy sometimes. and i don’t know what to think of it.